They Call the Wind Mariah

January 05, 2004 : 9:46 p.m.
...As I Ponder'd in Silence

I hope everyone had a happy New Year. I haven't posted since last year! HA! I never get tired of that joke. I'm sure everyone who has known me through the years DOES get tired of it. But oh well!

I am just now pulling out of the haze of my latest funk/down-in-the-dumps/depression thing. It was a pretty bad one. Even this morning it was still affecting me. After I got up to answer the door at 5:30, I went back to bed (set the alarm for 7:30 to get M to school on time) and couldn't sleep, but rather cried, until about 6:15. For no real reason except that "it" needed to come out. Finally I got a little more sleep, and was able to function most of the day.

It's pretty much over now. Jeff keeps telling me I need to see someone, talk to someone about it - maybe get on meds if that's what I need. But firstly, I don't like depression meds. They scare me. And it seems so silly to have to take drugs to control my behaviour. I feel like a failure as a human being if that's what it has to come to. I know that is irrational. But that's part of it I guess. Secondly, I keep hoping one day it will just go away. And it doesn't happen often enough that I feel like I should take meds constantly. I mean, taking meds every day for the rest of my life to prevent a huge depressive eppisode every few months? Does that seem neccessary? There has to be a better solution doesn't there?

I feel so stupid, because really I don't have any reason to be depressed. In fact, 2003 was one of the best years of my life. We are doing so much better financially than ever before, and we finally got a home of our own which I love. And so many more small things that just made it a good year. Yet, even so, I have had several "episodes" of this horrible deep (well, it feels that bad to me - it may not be bad at all compared to what some people go through, I don't know) depression.

I have researched enough to know that it has nothing to do with how good or bad my life is. Well, that's not all true. When life is bad depression is going to worsen. But I know enough to realize that true depression is a chemical imbalance - so no matter what good things happen, it can still hit. I also know it could be hereditary and that could be the case in my situation. My mom went through a rough couple years because of it. She took the drugs, and it helped. She is no longer on them and she's fine. So maybe you don't have to be on the meds forever, but it's still a scary prospect.

I don't know what to do. It was pointed out to me that it could be hormonal. I may just have to have my family dr. check me out. She is very kind and would probably be very helpful figuring out what to do, and she might mention them as an option, but I really don't think she would push drugs if she knew I didn't want to be pushed.

And thanks, Gwen, for making me feel better today. You'll never know what a lifesaver/inspiration you are. I love ya.