They Call the Wind Mariah

June 25, 2003 : 12:11 p.m.
Hole for Rent

I'm climbing out of the dark lonely hole I've been moping in for the last week or so. I've not been of very sound mind. It's not good for me and I need to just realize I can't control everything that happens in my life. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn that if we don't have a house by the end of our lease, it won't be the end of the world.

I need to face what has kept me in bed until 10 a.m. or so every morning for the past week and kick it's ass. Especially now that M is back. My mom and dad took her for a week (my mom works at a school, so she's off for the summer) so they could spend some time with her, so technically it was okay for me to stay in bed until 10 or 11 a.m. Now it's not. Actually, it wasn't "OK" for the past week either. It was my depression taking over. I am now back in the driver's seat again. For how long, I can't tell you - but while it lasts I've got some things that I need to get done.

Maybe I should check into some anti-depression medication. It's been brought to my attention a few times that it might be a good idea. It has been happening more and more often lately. Of course I keep telling myself--if we'd just find a house, get pregnant, lose weight, and pay off that one last pesky credit card--it would go away all on it's own. Hell, I would take only one or two of those things happening.

The bigbaddepressionmonster just takes over when that stuff overwhelms me. When I start thinking how unfair it is that NOTHING we want comes easily to us. Whine, whine, whine. I know.

I know a lot of people in this world are worse off. We have a roof over our head, a beautiful daughter, and food in our cabinets. I need to concentrate on the good things now. Chin up, and all that stuff. And for at least the next week or so, that's what I'm going to do.